Friday, March 21, 2014


Reminder to myself.

This is part of a message that I wrote a couple of a years ago. I was answering someone that I met in Paris who thought I was not playful enough because I refused to become his temporary lover:

"In this roller coaster called life the only thing that really matters to me it's my freedom, body and soul.  

I wouldn't sacrifice one minute of it but for someone whom I trust and doesn't act impulsively. Love at first sight leads to whimsical actions, and I'm well over the period  "live for now, life is short, then we'll see".  I want to have a real home and feel sheltered.  I lived on two different continents and on the Caribbean sea, without counting the months I spent in Portugal, Turkey or Uruguay, I lived fully and had all kinds of experiences, bitter and sweet. I am looking for serenity, stability, the calm of an active, balanced life. No drama, no fools' games and without having anything to hide from anyone.  

I am strong but fragile, and if I don't take care of myself, no one would, this is what is expected from a woman who made it alone and in shape at 37, that she could take all the blows and keep standing."

Why did I forget about it by the end of last year?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


No matter how clearly someone tells and shows us that "you+me = over", we cling to it until we go through our own cycle and filters of understanding. Situations aren't good or bad, they're just pleasant or unpleasant, according to our perception/feelings, it's up to us to play our cards and learn the lessons. We all act according to the film in our mind, inside our own bubble. So when we get in trouble, the fault is mostly ours, as we act based on our "reading".

After 39 years and a few failed relationship tentatives I finally understood the way my emotions work and how do I sabotage myself. I should be actually grateful to the person who triggered this series of revelations, for helping me out in my life journey. Helping me to make one more mistake and finally dig it to the roots.

Several other people helped me out through it. One of my best friends gave me a spirituality book, that she never read, where I found my first explanatory paragraphs:

"Sometimes when we meet somebody new we start to feel emotion that do not belong to us.We might feel a great desire to please the other, to give yourself beyond measure, spend all your time with that person. This is due to the great need the other has to receive, he/she is asking for it very intensely, but without words.

In these cases appear questions like "Why am I feeling this?". The person may get to imagine that she/he's experiencing a big love, in fact she/he's only receiving all the neurosis of the other person. In these cases we get to channel the anger, the sadness, the desolation or the anxiety of the people we are in contact with. This is more certain when our emotions are not logical or related with the events in our life. [...]

The problem becomes apparent when you start to lose your balance (axis). You start to realise what is happening or to feel uncomfortable emotions. It may feel like a type of acceleration or exhaustion. We have to remember that our physical body always sends us two basic messages: comfortable or uncomfortable. According to its message we can realise if we are involved in a favourable energy exchange or not." (Horacio Valsecia, Argentina, "Los siete principios de la felicidad")

It was not the first time when somebody agitated and passionate crossed my way when I wasn't looking, when I was well and at peace with myself and the world, and turned my emotional life upside down. When it happens I start to cry very easily and become kind of neurotic as soon as my chevalier loses his initial interest, becoming moody and distant. Somehow I guess those men I met took me like some kind of prize, to fill the gap of their insecurities and confirm their virility: "if I can have this woman, then I'm an Alpha male" kind of thinking, or not even thinking, some kind of gut feeling.  And then things happen without a closer look to the circumstances, my position and my feelings.Probably also because I look cool and confident, and not like a drama queen or whining bitch. Well, sometimes I am a true drama queen, but not at first sight, and mostly avoiding to do it in front of the men in cause. I did enact some soap opera scenes in the past though:)

Getting back to my point, after reading that paragraph, I realised that I probably absorbed Mr. X's need of being loved, fears and other negative feelings that were developed meanwhile, due to an excessive workload and his need to control everything. My fault resides in going with his initial flow, the wave of enthusiasm, without keeping up my barriers, just surrendering to the moment. The passion, the nice dates, his courtesy and also practicality. I felt desired and protected, and at the same time he awoke in me passion and tenderness.

Just like with other guys in the past, realism (mixed with worry and depression) took over his enthusiasm when the family and worldly obligations claimed exclusive attention and effort after the holidays, when I was out at home. Then it was the realm of the uncertain: we'll just be friends for now and we'll see later on. Then communication became scarcer and scarcer, culminating with two weeks of no kind of contact whatsoever. In January I started being the one generating the dates and it all ended up in a big confusion, aka break because I felt emotionally drained and abused. I went through some serious crying quite a few times and felt abandoned and shattered, as sometimes silence is worse than a clear cut response: "Denying emotional responses to another is deeply abusive.  The “silent treatment” is a cruel way of controlling people and situations.  Where there is control there is no love, only fear."  I kept it to myself and my friends so I won't increase his amount of work stress, worsened by the gray and rainy weather. He would seem very touched about me looking for him and showing up, telling me at the same time that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, maybe because he's not over his latest one, that ended up about 9 months ago. We can always find reasons. It's hard to understand when there's attraction, a good feeling about being together, and apparent compatibility. What's missing is the wish to commit.

At some point not long ago this book of Horacio Valsecia that I mentioned above came to me. When reading it I suddenly had a image if myself as an emotional sponge, absorbing other's states of soul and moods. My mother made me feel this too, because she tends to whine a lot. Looking up the net I discovered that the expression actually exists, it's also defined as an "empath". So Mr. X's depression, restlessness, suppressed anger, etc. were probably reflected by me. When I was close to him and he wasn't ok I felt very uncomfortable and deeply emotional without knowing why. So after all I decided to walk away, at least as a temporary break, because it seemed like he doesn't know what he wants and I need to focus on other things, myself coming first, and stop bothering him. Because I did bother him, with me becoming also a needy, love&attention hungered person. And he was obviously troubled by it and the incapacity to give me what I needed/wanted/pretended.

Photo by Ilia Alexandrovich Jerebtsov - Nov. 9, 2013
I have to admit that I have strong emotional responses to all kind of situations, and I tend to overreact. At the same time, when somebody is creating expectations, then is withdrawing, but not completely, and gives you contradictory verbal and emotional responses, it takes a lot of nerve to resist it. The bottom line is that I'm taking it with a grain of salt, as a way to self-knowledge and self-acceptance. Now I know how to respond and treat better my emotions, and how to prevent others from damaging me.

These last weeks I felt better and better every day, enjoying the spring sun and fragrances, the blooming trees and three good dancing nights in a row, with Latin dances and tango. I was lucky enough to meet some visiting tangueros from Romania and Italy, who made me feel like I was flying through their embrace, comfortable about myself and my contact with them. It was very sensual, without a sexual connotation, just the type of report I deeply needed. This physical activity combined with my psychology reading really improved my thoughts, feelings and general state. I feel like I overcame the dark  neurotic period, becoming again the person I used to be, even wiser. Free to enjoy the spring and embrace my life.

LATER EDIT, AUGUST 10, 2014 / Falling into the same mind trap, I tried to see the fellow again after he showed up to a group event I organized, posterior to one month without any contact. But this time with me being totally available and consciously open for a possible relationship, that would imply taking time to know each other better. Total nonsense, there was still attraction, X was still aloof and although I didn't cry anymore I still ended up chasing him and feeling frustrated while trying to play cool.

We had another final explanation after 4 months of playing hide and seek;  he came up with almost identical arguments and firm on "I want to see you from time to time as a friend because I really like your energy, but this is it". To me this didn't sound like a friendship offer, but more like a superficial social contact. Well, sorry, no, I have real friends in my real life that have and make time for me. Friends are not circumstantial social connections, they take and offer help and support when needed. Mr. X looks like he doesn't know how to engage in the giving/receiving exchange. I felt like he's interested in keeping in touch because I look special, "interesting", not because he genuinely cares about me. But a lot of things I saw in X are also part of me: selfishness, ego-centrism, impulsiveness, stubbornness, no real will to change, being a control freak, judgmental, aloof, elusive, oscillating, inflexible, impatient, needy.

The day after we last met I found out accidentally that he was maybe seeing someone else when he started chasing me. And it got all mixed up while I was still on vacation in Romania, coming back on December 31.

I should have walked away from that swamp of confusion as soon as he told me that he's got mixed feelings, he basically almost opened the door for me to leave and I kept standing with one foot in and one foot out, looking at someone who wouldn't even see me. That was just one more story that started with fireworks and ended up going nowhere, and I refused to accept it, thinking that if I try hard enough, THIS TIME I CAN MAKE IT WORK. Well, no, it shouldn't have happened from the very beginning! History repeating is history repeating, it ended as it started.  I guess we have both shown some form of erratic behaviour. For the last seven months I went back and forth through the mourning stages of Denial, (mild) Anger, and Bargaining. I hope that now I finally got to Acceptance and to a better knowledge of myself. Well, closing one door means giving space to open another one.

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