Thursday, February 12, 2009


868 days ago

After his early and unexpected departure last year. It was an impossible future, a possibility a few years ago. As if he was still alive and I never left to Canada (or I already went back to Romania).

We were alone, in some hotel by the seaside, or a rented appartment, talking, laughing, he had health problems as during his last years, and many plans and projects. We were chatting about having a TV talk-show together (something I dreamed about wide awake while he was still on TV and I was away working and cruising). He showed me some funny photos of him, big as he was, in swim trunks.

So I woke up in a good mood, because I miss him so badly and finally he visited my sleep. At the same time, I know it means I refuse to believe he's not there anymore for me. Our relationship is still an unsolved matter in my mind.

Daddy, why did you have to go before we talked about you and about us?

My beloved grandma also left us suddenly while she was in Germany, in 1989. She raised me up to 13, then she immigrated in 1987 and when I almost 15 she passed away, I found out a few hours afterwards over the phone. Another big black hole in my subconsciouness. And a fear of unpleasant surprises that grows bigger. Especially here, faraway from home, in a busy, fast moving environment. Feeling so stranded sometimes.

And I cannot let my fears and loneliness overcome me, because I have to be here, stand up for myself, alert, for work, for school, no one would be there if I fall. I have to make it, no matter what.

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