1436 days ago
I stare at the screen at 1.45 am, my eyes itchy and burning, my legs numb and my mind doesn't get it, why am I doing it to myself? Yes, I know, you'll say I have nothing better to do, only if there was a male version of the human race in the bed next to me (too small for 2 anyway). I have my books though, my diary, my CD's, but I'm so dependent on this fantastic dangerous toy. And my evening working schedule forbids me dating out of Friday and Saturday.
Anyway, just wanted to talk about this idea looping through my mind, my super smart friend Cristina (now in the States) just brought it up on her blog. Who are we, the immigrants - these lost, wandering souls. Her theory is that we're nothing anymore, maybe some kind of hybrids. Well, I felt the same, like an amphybia, that needs both earth and water for living, double identity, not really home in Romania, never really home in Canada. But, hey!, this is because the tight clothes of one country/one language don't fit anymore! It's ambiguous multi-identity, world citizenship, the ability of seeing things with fish and cat eyes at the same time. The ability to watch things from a distance, maybe that's why is scary? We can look at it ALL and criticize it, because we're always the "other", but we're not part of it anymore. Cu fundul in doua luntri - sitting on two chairs at the same time.
We, intellectuals, need definitions, theories, pinning our stomach buterflies, giving them latin names. We need to constantly analyse our thoughts and feelings and GIVE THEM NAMES. DEFINE. Identity, belonging, etc. We are prisoners of concepts and words (A Word's Child - Iris Murdoch). Our sight always blinded by aestethics. I know I'm doomed to it.
I live in a world of immigrants, I don't feel so brave among these people that came here with nothing, sometimes no education, no language knowledge. I'm so adaptable, compared to them. We have existential thoughts, otherwise our life is fine, too fine, we want to struggle, to face the immigrant problem, but we're so legal, so integrated, our soul refuses it, as it refused Romania before. "Jocul ideilor e jocul ielelor" "The dance of ideas is the fairies dance" It hypnotizes you and takes away your strength. Once you saw it you're its prisoner.
The way out? GOD, He can't be explained, defined, limited by words and concepts. We try, so hard, but we always use known notions and words to define the unknown, to get him down at our eye level.
Same about our own existence, our own meaning. Why asking? Just let it be. I have language obstacles with the people here, but, c'mon, don't tell me back in Europe we don't have plenty of ignorant people that don't know who's Don Quijote (I was in shock when a Front Desk colleague at the hotel ignored the character).
Like Voltaire said "Tout est pour le mieux dans le meilleur des mondes possibles" - Everything is for the better in the best possible world.
2.06AM - I am turning the beast off!