1262 days ago
Sometimes it only takes a moment - a heart attack for instance, to lose any opportunity to say all the things left unsaid, to be left staring towards the past because there is no more future and the present is just emptiness.
Somehow I was very close to my father, somehow not at all. We were talking about a large variet of subjects, without saying much to each other. I think we were close deep inside, similar in many ways (the feeling of nature for instance), same kind of sensibility, same grasp on language and words, but direct communication was never that great. I think we understood and loved each other from a distance.
He saw in me another way of expressing himself, most similar mirror that could exist as a human being. He loved me not only for being his child, but for my free spirit, the adventurous rebel that I most love in myself. I was to him a step towards the future, his spirit in a younger body. He wanted me write and to get a good social position. I agree with the first part...I know I am lazy, but I have to do it now more than ever, for the part of me that still keeps him alive.
Pain...missing him...thanking God because he passed away lightly...it only took a moment, he was out in town, then home, talking to his wife, and something broke inside, his heart was not that strong anymore..he died in peace.
My mother found out from TV, my uncle from the radio...nobody called them so they can let me know. Anyway, I found out three hours later...and I shall hopefully take a plane and fly to Bucharest on Wednesday, for a last good-bye. Last time I saw him was less than a year ago, before me leaving for Canada...last time we spoke ten days ago, on his birthday. Then he wrote me an e-mail two days ago telling me he started filming for his TV cooking show again...I didn't even had the time to tell him. Last news he got from me were that I moved in a new house, by myself. He knew I am doing well.
It will be my sadest birthday ever this Saturday... Papa...I used to call him...where are you?